You don’t need to have everything figured out and perfect. Growth is a process and it’s a beautiful one, like flowers blooming and sea turtles hatching from eggs on windswept beaches.
I’m just going to come out and say it: I’ve had one heck of a week.
I’ve gone through so many emotions, feelings, worries, fears, frustrations, you name it. I’ve had to change my diet, add exercise to my routine, fix a tampered mailbox, deal with a tough period, handle kids’ behavior stuff, and other things. All that on top of being a single parent of four during a pandemic! My brain felt overloaded and overwhelmed almost every day. Finding pockets of time for rest, relaxation, and quiet was tough.
This morning I woke up and felt clearer, stronger in my sense of self. I felt ready to tackle these things head on instead of letting them tackle me. I’m the one in charge here, not all the different things going on in my life. I get the final say in my decisions and my destiny is my own to make.
One phrase that popped into my mind this morning when I was taking out some trash was “it’s okay to learn as you go.”
I felt such a sense of relief from it. I paused and asked myself (don’t we all ask ourselves questions or am I the only one who talks to myself like that?): wait, I don’t have to have it all figured out? I don’t need to be perfect at everything?
It was then that I realized something. There is beauty in learning as you go. I don’t have to have it all figured out; where would be the growth or learning in that? It’s mistakes and missteps that help us learn. It’s apologies and doing things differently that help us grow. It’s supportive words and hugs that give us the strength to keep going.
I want to shout from my third floor windows that I’m not perfect and I’m okay with that! I want to learn and be a better person, mother, partner, friend, and member of society. It’s so freeing to admit that and gives me a lot of inner strength.
We all carry pain and sometimes traumas (I’m raising my hand over here and I’m not ashamed!) that color how we interact with others, and the first step in the healing process is learning to recognize that. Blaming yourself and feeling bad every time you misstep or overreact won’t help you progress; instead, embrace those moments as learning moments. Place your hand over your heart, feel the love pouring through your touch, and tell yourself it will be okay. You can always try again. Your worth is not determined by your past or your fears or anything. You are worthy because you are a unique person and that in itself makes you beautiful.
Fear can lock you up in a cage of thorns, the bars so thick that sunlight has trouble penetrating you. It’s okay to take things slow, but I promise that the steps get easier after you take the first step out of that cage. Life is chaotic, you will mess up, but we have the option to forgive ourselves and learn as we go. If someone leaves you or treats you badly because of that, then they weren’t meant to be in your life in the first place. Love won’t scorn you or put you down; love will give you hand and ask how they can help.
(I’m not saying it’s okay to be cruel or abusive to people, I’m talking about mistakes that we all make because we are human. I’m just going to put it out there that hurting others just to make you feel better about yourself is a terrible thing to do and I can promise you that in the end, it won’t help at all.)
I am learning so much every day. I didn’t automatically download a parenting manual into my brain the day my twins were born. I learned as time went on, making mistakes and staying open to new things to try, and even now I’m still learning. Each age comes with something new and it’s not like you can just stop parenting, you have to keep going with the flow. You have to be flexible and understanding, willing to try different ways of solving problems. I figured out something just last night and it seems to be making a positive difference already.
If I punished myself every time I made a misstep, then how would that help me feel good about myself or my parenting? How would that help me feel secure in my sense of self? My last article was about making more room inside me for self-compassion, and I think that ties in well with this article. Learning as you go is about being gentle with yourself, taking the time to learn and grow in all the ways that really matter.
I’m going to be honest: for the first time in my life, I’m in a healthy relationship. It’s lovely and unique, like a shimmering snowflake. I have learned so much since we met and I am still learning. One reason why I feel like there is so much growth between us is because we give each other space and support to grow. It’s hard to be so open and communicative about certain things, but in the end it helps our story progress, like the pages of a book unfurling before our very eyes.
I am learning about friendship. I am learning about other people’s experiences. I am learning about what it means to be a woman. I am learning about strength and what that looks like during different times. I am learning about what makes me dream and what makes me happy. I am learning about love in a healthy and safe way. I am learning about what sort of parent I want to be. I am learning about the well of strength and willpower within me. I am learning about hope. I am learning how to forgive, how to support, how to apologize, how to learn from my mistakes, how to try again, how to keep going even when things are tough.
Most importantly, I am learning as I go.
