There have been difficult times in my life where I turned to Tolkien and Lord of the Rings for support and hope. The tale of good triumphing over evil fills me with a sense of strength and helps me find the light within.
The Christmas I was 11, just about to turn 12, was the one where I received a set of Lord of the Rings books and The Hobbit. I was overjoyed and started reading The Hobbit right away, devouring Tolkien’s words hungrily. I was so excited for the movies to come out and saw Fellowship of the Ring three times in theaters.
During that time, I was changing and growing. No longer a child yet not quite a teenager. I was self-conscious of myself and unsure about where I fit in with the world. I was becoming increasingly detached from my self-absorbed mother who didn’t like how much I loved reading and some of her choices at that time distressed me greatly. To put it simply, it was a rough time.
Yet, the story of Frodo and Sam, two unlikely heroes who overcame so much darkness, spurred me on. It resonated within me on my loneliest days and gave me comfort when I felt like I had no control over anything in my life.
Last night before I fell asleep, a line from Lord of the Rings popped into my head. Something about “the shadow is but a passing thing.” I looked it up this morning and found the whole quote:
- “There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end, the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.” ~ J. R. R. Tolkien.
I’ve reread this a few times since this morning, and each time has filled me with hope and calm. If Sam can find hope and clarity in Mordor, then surely I can as well at home with my four children during a pandemic. I have much to be grateful for.
I don’t feel comfortable telling people “it’ll be okay” when I honestly don’t really know how or when. I’ve been thinking about it and I believe that it might be more helpful to say “this will pass” because it is true. I still don’t know how or when, but I do know that this will pass. Life ebbs and flows, things change quickly, sometimes in ways we don’t understand or don’t see.
When I look back over my own life, there were times when I felt powerless, trapped, and lost. Yet those moments passed and my strength grew. Even though my marriage was full of hardships and trauma, that too passed and sometimes I can’t believe my life now. I have hope and freedom for the first time, and I live every day without having to walk on eggshells and be scared. Fears do come up, but they pass as well because I know how to take care of and soothe myself.
Another quote that has given me comfort when I feel overwhelmed or sad is this one:
- “Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
In life, there will be times when we feel burdened and overwhelmed. Events and changes may happen that are out of our control and are hard to deal with. I think about becoming a single parent; it was never my plan to get divorced and become a single parent responsible for four children. I take that responsibility very seriously and there are moments when I feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I would question myself, wondering how I got to this point in my life. As much as I love my children and work hard for them, being a single parent is not easy.
Perhaps it’s a strange connection to make, but I think about Frodo and the ring. He is doing the right thing by offering to carry it and destroy it. Yet, the burden wears on him and he feels despondent. He is walking on a difficult road and the journey is bleak and grim. But I love what Gandalf says to him. It’s easy to blame ourselves or our situation and feel sad about it, and those feelings are valid, but it might help if we remember that we have power and can make changes. We are still on this Earth and even little changes can make a difference, even if we can’t see or feel those differences right away.
Since the start of this new year, there were times when I felt left behind or felt like I wasn’t progressing in life at all. I have many goals and dreams, and this pandemic definitely changed things: I lost my job, my older kids had to start distance learning at home (and even now they are only in school for a couple hours each day), and we had to stay home so much.
I felt powerless and like I had no control of my life. Yet, I have made decisions that have helped a bit and I have started planning for the future. I applied to colleges and am planning to go back to school in August so I can finally finish my degree. I’m trying to write more, exercise more, take care of household chores, and eat healthy. I am focusing on taking care of myself and making more time for self-care.
I may not be able to get a job or have my old life back right now, but I have made plans for my future. Baby steps are still steps and what’s most important right now is taking care of my family and making sure my kids have the support they need while they are doing this new hybrid school schedule. While it’s easy to feel alone, I know there are others in my situation. People forced to put dreams on hold and keep their households and/or businesses running. Those people are heroes in their own way; it is not easy or simple to do that and sustaining things takes much strength, especially when we don’t know when things will get better.
In the end, Tolkien’s epic tale of Frodo, the Ring, and the Fellowship has been a constant source of comfort and hope to me since I was young. As I’ve moved through different phases of life, it has stayed with me, keeping me motivated and reminding me that light can be found even when darkness threatens to surround us. Many times, that light is already within us, just waiting to be discovered.
