Honestly?
You don’t.
Kidding! You don’t just survive, you grow and evolve into a strong parent who takes on the impossible just by waking up every morning.
Frankly, I have days where I feel like I won’t survive this trying time as a single parent to four children under the age of 10. But if there’s anything the last 10 years of my life have taught me, it’s that I CAN.
I have days where I go to bed, tears drying on my face, and then I wake up the next morning, greeting the sun and already looking forward to my morning cup of coffee. The air is cool, the day new, and it is up to me to make something of it. My point is, that the sun rises the next morning, regardless of what is happening in your life. It’s a fresh start, a chance to keep on going. You can take a deep breath and begin again.
Some days will go smoothly, some will be utter chaos. Does that mean you are failing as a single parent? Not one bit. Accept the tumultuous hours, the toys strewn on the ground like scattered flower petals, the crumbs under the dining room table, the dishes piled up in the sink. (They seem to scowl at me if I just leave them there. Does that just happen to me?) If something doesn’t get done, give yourself permission to get to it the next day. Or the day after.
Ah, the difficulty of giving yourself permission. Honestly, that is something I struggle with. It might seem strange to have to give yourself permission, because hey aren’t we all adults that can eat cereal for dinner and pizza for breakfast? (Again, just me?) But I find that sometimes I expect a lot from myself, more than I can give right now.
Try this: place your right hand above your heart and take a deep breath. Let it out slowly, feeling the warmth of your hand on your skin, and tell yourself “it’s okay.” Let your heartbeat slow and lull you into a safe place. A place where your thoughts are secure and free, a place where you can soothe yourself. Then say: “I can do [whatever it is that has piled up] tomorrow.”
Then see how your body feels. Maybe your shoulders relax a bit and your neck feels less tense. Perhaps your breathing is slower and stressful thoughts aren’t clogging up your brain like hair in a bathtub drain. Your chest feels lighter and for the moment, you feel like you have a little more time in your day. There is nothing wrong with changing the pace of your life during this time. Life as we know it has been flipped upside down and turned inside out, so if rules have to bend or change to ensure survival, then so be it. Your mental health and well-being are WORTH IT.
Repeat after me: You are worth it.
You are worth sunlit smiles and fresh cups of tea or coffee.
You are worth twenty minutes of rest or twenty minutes of exercise.
You are worth good food, occasional treats, and movies that make you laugh.
You are worth satisfying sleep, sweet snuggles, and sultry sex.
As a single parent of four, I am definitely outnumbered. Most of the time, my kids are so collectively loud that my voice gets drown out in the symphony of screams, laughter, fighting, whining, and playing. Their needs are many and their wants are even more. I could become swamped in them, constantly cleaning, making snacks, refereeing, and more. However, a major problem would then arise.
How would I take care of my own needs?
All parents, single or not, have needs. When those needs are pushed aside, you are forgetting your own worth. Yes, the children need to be safe, secure, fed, taught, loved, and everything else that comes in the hand basket of parenting, but so do you. And if you are constantly putting aside your needs to take care of everyone else’s, then how can you make sure the children’s needs are met as well? How can you teach your children to appreciate their own worth when you struggle with yours?
Here’s the other thing: some days it will be easier to meet your needs than others. We live in a time of uncertainty, of fear and worry, of concern for loved ones and people we have never even met. If some days all you can manage is feeding yourself and the kids, getting them through school, and somehow putting them and yourself to bed, then you’ve met everyone’s needs, including yours. You sustained things, kept them going so that the sun can rise and it can all begin again. And if you feel overwhelmed, like your brain is overloaded, and tears come pouring out in release, then that is perfectly okay. Tears won’t solve any problems, but they can help release the feelings kept bottled up all day while taking care of others.
There is no doubt that this is all hard. Some days I feel helpless, crushed by worries, but I push through. If there is anything I want my children to learn from this experience, it is that carrying on in the face of uncertainty is a special kind of strength. It is the strength of hope.
