When I became a single mom of four, I didn’t realize that hope was just as important as strength.
As a young mom of multiple kids, including a set of twins, with a crumbling marriage, I had forgotten what hope felt like.
Strength, I was familiar with. I had to dig deep into myself to find enough inner strength to make it through each day. To make it through the stonewalling and abuse from my then-husband, the sleepless nights breastfeeding my youngest, the days where I felt like I was a wilting, greying flower, losing my petals.
It wasn’t until I decided that enough was enough and my life was my own to live, that I felt hope for the first time in years.
I remember taking my 18 month old to an outdoor mall while my dad was with my older kids. There was a lovely fountain, water shooting up high into the blue sky and her delighted giggles echoed across the plaza. It was a few days after I had left my ex and told him that I was filing for divorce; the shock of my actions and the fear was starting to subside. I started believing that I was finally safe, that I had freedom once again. Freedom to make my own choices and keep my children safe. Freedom to live how I always wanted to and make goals, chase dreams. Freedom to find the love I deserved.
I found myself wondering what this tingling feeling was; I felt different, untethered, and the future was a blank stone wall waiting for vines and flowers.
It was hope.
The coming days weren’t easy or smooth; I had many decisions to make and things were still uncertain. But every day I woke up feeling free. Everything was up to me, which was both intensely thrilling and stressful.
I started thinking more seriously about what I wanted in my life. I began making goals and plans. I got a job, which thrust me out into the world. For eight years I had been a stay at home mom and this was a whole new way of life for me. In addition to taking care of my kids as a single mom, I was now a working single mom, which came with it’s own set of challenges.
Sometimes I became overwhelmed, lost in exhaustion and stress. In those times, the hope I felt at the beginning of this journey seemed harder to reach. Logically, I knew it was there, but I needed to reassure myself that one always has hope. Things will get better and as time passes, there is healing.
So I started a new morning ritual. After getting the older kids ready for my dad to take to school (thank goodness for his help!), I made breakfast for myself and my toddler. She wasn’t even two at the time, her round face sweet and innocent as she nibbled on her breakfast and cooed happily. I sat down at the table with my cup of coffee and dreamed.
I played a favorite CD and let my thoughts wander. What did I want to accomplish? What was the next step in my healing and how would it affect me? I even thought about starting a new relationship, a healthy one filled with love, respect, kindness, and support.
Those thoughts became part of a garden. A garden of hope that bloomed in my heart every morning. I watered it with reflection and affirmations. I fertilized it with self care and self love. I tended to it with regularity, even on the days when it was hard to find the energy.
I visualized flowers blooming within myself. I even saw myself smiling, at what or who I wasn’t sure, but the smile was there. Sometimes I cried while doing this, but they were more like tears of release. I was still healing and the garden of hope helped that process. I realized that I have so much potential and a lot to offer the world.
I discovered a new inner strength within me: strength of self. I was learning who I was now that I was a single mom and I was blooming along with the feeling of hope within me.
I preferred to journal at night before going to bed, jotting down affirmations and notes about my day. But in the morning, I visualized that garden of hope blooming, growing stronger every day. Uplifting music helped me get in the mood and I’d walk to work ready to face whatever was ahead. The feeling of working hard for what I wanted propelled me forward and brought me closer to the life I wanted to live.
Now, I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who values me for who I am and appreciates my strength. I am not working right now since three of my kids are distance learning at home, and it definitely hasn’t been easy. But on the hard days, I remember that there is a garden of hope within my heart that I can tend to. It will always be there; it just needs to be watered by self love, self care, and self compassion.
